(Editor’s Note): As promised, here’s Part Two of Deti’s “It’s Not All Our Fault” – and like Part One, today’s post is a powerful piece! Pass both these essays along to every set of female eyes you can, because they need to see and know and understand the truth! Here’s Deti:
In my last post here I commented about a woman who complained that her 21 year old suburbanite daughter had never been on a date. I suggested that it wasn’t all men’s fault that her dateless daughter
was having such a hard time, and I outlined certain things that the
young woman and her family should inquire about.
I’d like to follow that up with a few further explicit suggestions for
the young woman, and other women who might be in her position. Note:
She says she wants a “good man”. I take this to mean she is not
interested in dating for fun; she’s interested in a possible husband.
So, this advice is geared for women who want to find husbands and who are interested in early marriage.
1. DECIDE THAT FINDING A GOOD MAN IS A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE. Look, ladies. Finding a good man to share your life with either is a priority for you, or it isn’t. You either want a good man, or you don’t. You either are willing to do what it takes to find a good
man, or you’re not. You either are willing to do what it takes to
make a good man yours, or you’re not. You don’t have forever to find
that “good man”.
You don’t get to have it both ways. You don’t get to complain about
the lack of good men if you don’t really want one. And if finding a
good man isn’t a priority in your life, then you don’t really want
one. If doing what it takes to find a good man and treat him well is
not important enough for you to do the work necessary to accomplish
it, then you don’t really want that good man. And your complaints
should thus fall on deaf ears.
2. GET SERIOUS ABOUT FINDING A GOOD MAN. IT DOESN”T “JUST HAPPEN”.
Too many young women have a Disneyfied view of intimate personal
relationships. They are supposed to “just happen”. She doesn’t have to do anything other than show up and be pretty. Her Knight in Shining Armor will swoop in and sweep her off her feet and they will ride off on his trusty white steed to his mansion in the sky.
Doesn’t work that way. Let me disabuse you of that fantasy.
If you want a good man then you have to get out there and look for
one. You cannot hang back and just “let it happen”. You need to get
serious about finding a good man to pledge your life to. You will
have to do some work and take risks. You will go on some crappy dates. You will get stood up, blown off, and broken up with. You will get hurt, and you will probably get your heart broken.
You will have to make clear that you are looking for a good husband,
not a “good time” or for “dating” or whatever else. You will have to
make clear that you are in this for the long haul. You will have to
make clear that a good man will not get accused of harassment or that you will embarrass him publicly if he asks you out. You will have to make it very, very easy for good men to approach you.
And, you need to get serious about it NOW, while you are young and
pretty. You will not always be 21, and you will not always have your
pretty looks like you do now.. You have less time than you think to
find a good man. You must leverage your most valuable assets NOW to find him. You cannot wait until you are 28 or 29, and THEN start thinking “Oh, I’d like to get married someday.” By then it will be too late; and the good men will already be married or will not be
interested in you at all.
3. REPAIR ANY STRUCTURAL ISSUES. Fix all problems with your looks or overall physical appearance. Lose the weight. Get a good hairstyle (longer is better. No, I’m not backing down from it.) Get good complementary makeup. Wear clothes that accentuate your figure. Teeth, skin, complexion, aromas, posture, countenance, demeanor. The devil’s in the details. If there are issues, fix them. Enlist the honest opinions of some women you trust (and maybe a few men) to help.
4. GET REALISTIC ABOUT YOUR STANDARDS. Most young women have out of this world unreasonable expectations for the men they want. While you might be able to get a one night stand with a man who looks like Brad Pitt, has George Clooney’s charm and Matthew McConnaughey’s body, and Warren Buffett’s money, the overwhelming odds are that you will never lock down that man for marriage. Such standards are ridiculous, and if you have them, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
5. ENLIST YOUR FATHER OR OLDER MEN TO HELP YOU. Young girls excel at selecting bad boys and attractive thugs for sex. But, they are terrible at finding good men. More to the point, young women are terrible at selecting men who will be good for them. She needs to have her dad or uncle or older brother vet and screen men. They will help her separate out the good men from the bad men.
6. STOP REJECTING GOOD MEN. You’re probably rejecting good men every day, and you don’t even know it. You’re probably making it very clear you have no intention of ever even talking to them. You’re
likely ignoring and rejecting possible suitors. (This is why you
enlist dad and men who you trust to help.)
Ladies, if you want good men, then you need to start encouraging their creation and continued existence. The way you do that is by dating them, marrying them, having sex with them, and having their babies.
7. GO WHERE GOOD MEN GO AND DO WHAT GOOD MEN DO. Such places are usually where men are doing things and interacting with people. Whereas women congregate and talk, men do. They make, create and build. Men then show others what they did, made, created or built. You could meet good men at work or at some activity where men are actively doing things. Group dance lessons are a good place. Common interest groups like community theatre or cultural preservation group or sports club are good places to meet good men with whom you might have things in common.
You probably are not going to meet good men at church because they
have no chance to do, make, create or build there. The problems in
meeting men at church are well documented here and elsewhere. You probably won’t meet good men at bars or clubs, because most good men don’t usually frequent them and men (good or bad) do not go to bars or clubs to meet good women.
This should get you started. Good luck to you.
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